Today is nursery eve, tomorrow Boo starts nursery. She will be going for one hour and I get to stay there with her. I know that she is going to be ok as I am staying there with her but it marks the start of her settling in period and by mid November she will be going two full days a week. Maybe like Christmas Eve I should be excited, after all I am sure Boo is going to have a lot of fun, and I don’t have to leave her. But…
I just feel so anxious and unhappy if I am honest. I don’t want her to start nursery just yet, and I don’t want to have to go back to work. I wish I had the choice to be a SAHM but sadly I don’t. I know that I should consider myself lucky as I am able to go back part time and work has been flexible and let me choose the days so that I could get Boo into the nursery that I wanted (even though we went to book her places back in April they only have availability on certain days!)
I just can’t help but focus on the fact that I feel robbed of the choice to be able to stay at home with Boo until she goes to school. I wish we all had the choice to do what we wanted but it seems that we are supposed to juggle working and children and running a home (by ‘we’ I mean both men and women). I honestly never thought I would have children and I have worked all my life, I have had a part time job from the age of 16 and worked full time since I left university. I wish there was the option for me to take a longer break from work so that I could devote my time to raising Boo. I just know I am going to feel so sad if/when I miss any of her firsts. And while I feel it is important for her socially to spend time with children her own age ideally I would like to be just one day a week.
All the paperwork I have had to fill out, emergency treatment permission, allergy information, routines, etc. It all feels overwhelming. I have, subconsciously left the paperwork until the last minute I think because I don’t want to accept that she will be starting nursery. It’s all come to soon, and I honestly cannot believe how fast my maternity leave has gone. A year. A year, seemed like such as long time before my maternity leave started and now it is almost over!
I feel like this is a bit of a self indulgent post after all I am lucky to have a job, lucky that I don’t have to go back to work full time, lucky I have found a nursery I like for Boo but I don’t feel lucky at all. I feel sad that I am going to be missing out on the time I should be spending with Boo.