It has been a difficult few weeks, what with Boo starting her settling in sessions at nursery, her being ill with a sickness bug which then both me and my husband caught, and the shadow of my returning to work looming ever closer.
It has all seemed a bit overwhelming to be honest. I have been feeling very stressed about leaving Boo at nursery. This was supposed to happen last week but as she was ill we have to rearrange it for today. So, I left her for an hour after she had had her afternoon nap, she was fine and I wasn’t to worried about this specific time, I am more worried about the longer stretches and about when she has to nap there (as she still won’t nap without feeding to sleep). Friday will be the day, as she will be going after lunch for the whole afternoon.
It feels wrong to be leaving her with people I barely know, though the ladies who work at the nursery are lovely and it has had nothing but glowing recommendations from everyone I have talked to, so I have nothing to worry about on that front. But it still feels wrong. I don’t really like leaving her with anyone.
I just feel sadness, I can’t really explain it properly, I almost feel like I am mourning for my maternity leave, like I am starting on a new part of life but I am not ready to say goodbye to this part. My baby doesn’t feel so much of a baby anymore, when I walk into her nursery and she is there stood at a table playing, she looked so grown up! I felt so proud and yet at the same time it broke my heart. And again I can’t explain this.
I am not sure what I am going to achieve writing this down as I can’t explain most of what I am feeling and I don’t feel any better for writing it. I am confused and feel so ambivalent about so many things, nursery, returning to work, mine and Boo’s lives changing drastically. I hope it gets easier, I really do.