Why do I want another baby?

I am asking myself this question a lot at the minute, and I can’t quite seem to answer it fully. I have written a post similar to this a couple of months ago, but nothing seems to be resolved I am going round in circles so I am hoping writing this might tip the balance. My heart is telling me one thing and my brain (and my hubby) are telling me another. There are many arguments it seems…

1. I have been adamant that I never wanted to have another child after Boo after the first week of Hyperemesis – I remember getting out of the shower (my only achievement of the day) and begging my husband to promise to never let me get pregnant again. I still remember that the sheer feeling of terror at the thought of having to feel as bad as I did, for as long as I did (and little did I know at that point I would suffer with constant nausea and vomit most days until Boo arrived at 41 weeks – the out of control vomiting subsided gradually at about 19 weeks). So why do I want another baby? To put myself, and my husband and Boo through that? I was incapable of looking after  myself, I couldn’t look after Boo and my husband has to work. So surely another child is out of the question.

My head …  definitely agrees, another pregnancy like that would be intolerable. But my heart… it points out medication, the fact that I might not suffer as bad this time, or at all… (though the odds are not in my favour).

2. Boo’s first year hasn’t been easy in terms of sleep, at 13 months she is still not sleeping through the night, though we are making progress, we were only able to drop night feeds in the past month or so and she still wakes several times a night (and likes to get up early). I feel like a zombie most days and even with daytime naps I still feel like I am so far behind sleepwise I may never catch back up. So do I really want to go back to that? A newborn, clusterfeeding, up all hours, unable to sleep during the day because Boo will be awake?

My head… I need myself, I deserve a rest, I need a good nights sleep ( or 10),

My heart… points out that not all babies sleep as little as Boo (who has always slept well below the ‘average’ hours sleep out of 24 for her age at every stage), why not tough it out as it won’t last forever, better now than to start sleeping through and have to go back to broken sleep again if we decide later to have another (maybe when the memories have faded a bit more and the sleep deprivation doesn’t seem that bad)

3. Boo’s medical issues – colic and silent reflux, not a great combination (well alone either is enough to drive anyone to tears) the made for long newborn nights, and long newborn days of carrying Boo around upright for the reflux, and weeks of trying different medication to find one that works, then there was the guilt of my tiny perfect baby is getting medication, worry over the side effects, guilt that maybe it was my breastmilk (irrational? maybe a little) Could we really go through that again, how would Boo sleep with a baby making all the heartbreaking noise she use to make, when mummy and daddy were trying everything they could to help her feel even a little better, just for a little while

My head … questions if we could cope with something like that again, it was heartbreaking, even the memories make me tear up.

My heart… chances are we wouldn’t have to go through that again, colic and silent reflux bad combination and even if we were unlucky we have dealt with it before and we can deal with it again. We have the little tips and tricks that helped (a little) last time we can use them again.

4. Would a sibling be best for Boo – My husband thinks that Boo would be better off as an ‘only’ child (not strictly true as she has two half brothers but they live in another country and they do see each other on skype it’s not the same as having a sibling in the house) Boo’s personality does seem to be quiet high maintenance, try as I might I cannot leave her to play for long, and she likes to have interaction from adults more than other children (but I am not quite how much we can take from all this as she is only 13 months old) I am not sure, I think a sibling would be amazing, I have visions of them playing together and being best friends – they could of course dislike each other and fight all the time, who knows?

My head … there is no way to know what would be best for Boo, we can’t live both decisions out and then make the decision with hindsight, you just have to make a decision and go with the flow, not amount of reading about siblings vs only children is going to definitively tell us what is best for us as a family.

My heart… I love my brother (though I do remember once telling him that his breathing annoyed me) and how sad would it be for Boo to miss out on a relationship like that? My husband and I aren’t going to be here forever and a sibling would be someone who would always (hopefully) be there for Boo, and Boo could be there for them.

5. Could I even cope? I don’t know some days how I cope with Boo, newborn days are a haze of lost sleep, sore nipples and crying, I can honestly say that as Boo has grown and learned to crawl and then things have felt easier for me, I couldn’t even leave the house for six weeks after Boo was born. How am I going to cope with breastfeeding a newborn and having an energetic Boo, how could I do all the things I did with Boo and then have the energy to look after another? Can I sign up for another year plus of breastfeeding (and no caffeine)?

My head… rationally you cope because you have to, noone can prepare you for having a baby, it’s a massive change, at least you are in some way prepared now for a baby and what it actually entails, coping with a toddler and baby? Noone knows until you are in that situation… sink or swim.

My heart … you cope because you have to, there are two tiny people who depend on you, you have help, your husband, your mum, your stepdad, your brother, your sister in law, your friends… and Boo. You are strong, you can cope with anything and you will.

6. Finally random thoughts… I have this image in my mind of Boo standing with her back to me, walking down a lovely path, green and trees and the sun shining, holding the hand of a smaller child, chattering away, and every time I think that not having another child would be best for the family, the smaller child fades and disappears and Boo is left standing there alone, no-one to chatter too and I can’t help by get upset. I know it’s irrational because Boo is never going to be alone, she has mummy and daddy, and lots of other family, it seems silly but I just can’t seem to shake this vision from my head.

My head… rationally asks if this is just natures way of making sure we all have lots of babies, this inexplicable need to have more children when the first reaches a certain age… the tick tock of our body clocks?

My heart… tells me that I can’t get this image out of my mind because deep down, all rational thoughts aside I do want another child, a sibling for Boo, and that some part of me is always going to regret it if we don’t, haunted by the image of a child that never was?

So there it is, my thoughts, running around in my head this past couple of months, crazy thoughts driving me crazy. I always feel better once I have made a decision, but this seems to be one decision I just can’t seem to make!

Any thoughts would be most appreciated because I am just going round in circle.

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

When Boo naps…

There are thing I can only do when Boo is sleeping or when the hubby is home, they just don’t get done while she is awake, I thought I would list them here, and maybe I need to plan how I am going to do them when she drops down to one nap a day or when she stops naps altogether (I know we have a while yet but still!).

 

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1 Drink a hot drink, hot. (ah the simple things)

2. Use the laptop, for shopping, blogging, emails, more shopping.  Boo seems to find it offensive if I attempt to use the laptop in her presence, so I have to fit in in around naps and after she has gone to bed.

3. Read a book (for me) this gets the same reaction at the laptop, angry Boo, I hope she decides she likes books in the future and doesn’t remain Boo the Destroyer of Books.

4. Wash the dishes … ok so this one is me, I hate doing the dishes, Boo doesn’t mind she will play or watch or sit in her highchair and pelt raisins at me for fun, but I lie and pretend to myself that they can’t be done because Boo doesn’t like it…

5. Watch TV without the subtitles on… maybe I am going deaf in my old age or Boo is just really REALLY noisy but I can’t seem to hear ‘proper’ TV (any channel that isn’t CBeebies) without the subtitles.

6. Have a long soak in a bubble bath… this is reserved for when either the hubby is at home to watch Boo or Boo is in bed, but as her bedroom is next to the bathroom I do worry about the noise of the running water waking her up, she is a very light sleeper.

7. Tidy Up… and things staying tidy for more than 2 seconds… maybe the chaos will eventually mean that all the toys end up in their places just through the laws of probability? It’s got to happen somewhere right?

8. Eat Chocolate without having it stolen… I think Boo has had some training to be a ninja, she is super fast at stealing chocolate, even from inside your mouth, while you are chewing it!

 

Mums' Days

Boo’s shopping list 2015

Now what Boo’s birthday and Christmas are past I have got a list of things I want to buy Boo, just things that I will probably buy her over the course of the year, she got vouchers/money for some of her presents and so I will be putting the money away and spending the vouchers on things I think she needs/wants – I am pretty sure I am addicted to shopping for things for her!

I have already been out and bought her a trampoline and Vtech’s Cora the Smart Cub in the sales. Both of which were definitely good buys.

1. A Trunki Toddlepak – now that Boo is walking and wants to walk everywhere rather than sit in the pram, and refused too hold hands! I think this will be a great thing, I like the idea of the two different ‘settings’ on the reigns. I have read a fair few reivews of this and only heard good things.

2. HappyLand Toys – I really wanted to get Boo some HappyLand toys for Chirstmas but I had kind of blown my budget on other things so I will be getting her some for Easter I think, I have my eye on the Zoo and the Farm.

3. Some Cartoon Dvds – now that Boo is a little more into the TV, she started to giggle at it several times yesterday I would like to get her some more cartoon dvds so that we can watch what we want when we want.  I am thinking disney movies (I own some, and Boo was lucky enough to get Frozen from her grandparents for Christmas) and possibly some others, I need to have a look properly.

4. A Pair of  Shoes – from Clarks, Boo currently has some of the cruising shoes with the very flexible soles, because when we got her them at the end of November she wasn’t totally confident walking around yet, and they didn’t have any of the walker styles I liked in a 3. So I think in the next couple of weeks we will be taking her back to get measured and get her a walker pair, especially now that she is walking around a lot more outside.

5. Dresses – Now that Boo is walking I would like to get her some more dresses/tights.  She hasn’t really worn them recently as she got annoyed catching them if she needed to crawl.

6. A waterrpoof jacket and wellies… I have been looking for a while for a jacket for Boo, but I can’t seem to find one that I like, looking online isn’t really helpful because I like to be able to feel what they are like.  And wellies for puddle stomping – obviously a must!!

I am sure that this list will get even longer as the year progresses but that will do for now!!

 

The List

All I want for Christmas…

Things I would like for Christmas 2014 (but that can’t be wrapped and put under the tree!)

1.  A little bit more sleep… Boo still doesn’t sleep through the night, I honestly though we would be sleeping through at least some nights by now (as she is a year old) but no, so this is something I really want to work on after the madness of Christmas.

2. More Me Time… I really need to make the effort and find the time for me, (a long bubble bath without Boo and a million toys for example) my husband keeps telling me I need to make time for me, and I never quite manage it so this is what I am going to give myself for Christmas!

3. Redecorate and Rearrange the House… So that it is easier to keep tidy, we have too much stuff (toys) and not really enough storage space to keep it all in, so more storage and a good sort out I think!

4. Messy Play/Baking/etc … I want to find more time to do this with Boo, we made Christmas Cards and it was so much fun, and most importantly Boo loved it! So I definitely want to make the time to make a mess on a regular basis (ok maybe number 3 might not happen!)

5. Rush about less… I want to be able to enjoy what Boo, the hubby and I are doing, not be thinking about the million things that are next on the list, I want to take the time to be in the now, and worry less about everything…

 

Fingers crossed Father Christmas is reading this list!!

 

Mums' Days

Things that helped me survive HG

As it is soon Boo’s birthday, I have been looking back on my pregnancy and I have decided to write a list of the things which helped me get though my HG pregnancy. I know that everyone is different and what might work for some might not work for others, but if it helps just one person a tiny bit then it will have been worth it.

I know from experience that telling someone what they should be doing or what miraculous cures are out there doesn’t help, so this is why this is just my list and if it gives any ideas that’s great.  Sadly none of this offered me a magical cure it only helped make things a little more bearable, and although my sickness got slightly better about 19/20 weeks the 24/7 nausea didn’t subside until 41 weeks when Boo arrived. What I will say is… that it was worth it… not that I could even believe it at the time, but it really was.

1. Water – drinking cold water in sips from a bottle throughout the day really helped, I think it helped because it wasn’t overloading my stomach by taking sips and the coldness helped me to feel better too for some reason.

2. Being cold – this was not easy in the middle of the heatwave we had in the summer of last year but it did help if I could be cool. Even as a child with travel sickness being cold has helped to reduce my nausea.

3. Freezer bags… I carried a supply around with me in case I couldn’t make it to a toilet, I even kept them in my pockets and next to the sofa and bed, one thing you do not want to be doing when you have HG is cleaning up your own sick…

4. Naps – the more tired I felt the worse I felt, and as I had to be signed off work for some of my pregnancy I had the opportunity to nap in the day and this did help, though just falling asleep and not feeling sick for a little while may have had something to do with it.

5. I avoided the dishes, and the kitchen… smells.. yuk… I was lucky in that my hubby was very supportive and so he did all the dishes and his cooking.

6. I ate what I could, not what I thought I should… I spent a lot of the early days trying to eat right and what was best but then I would throw it up or not be able to manage it. after a few weeks I started to just listen to my body and eat what I was able to, even if it was nothing but plain porridge for a week… better some food than none at all.

7. Swapping my pregnancy vitamins… I found that I just couldn’t face taking them for a couple of days and then I felt a little better so I swapped brand and that helped me (it may have been coincidence but I didn’t want to risk it)

8. Travel Sickness Bands – helped me in the very early days for a couple of weeks to make things manageable and meant I could get it to work

9. Eating every two hours – cereal bars were really helpful for me, it was just something and even if it was just a bite or two or half or whatever it helped me to feel a little better.

10. I had a month and a bit off work in the first trimester which really helped, as it removed pressure from me of having to get up and go to work, I know this is not an option for everyone and obviously if you have other children you can’t stop looking after them!

 

And on the flip side… things that did not help me at all

1. Ginger bloody biscuits…

2. Medication –  I know that medication works for some people and I did try different kinds of medication but I found that sadly they didn’t work for me, there may be others that are out there that could have worked but I didn’t try them all. I do know some people find a lot of relief with medication so it’s definately worth looking in to

3. Just shutting up and getting on with it… I did try at the start, but I ended up more sick and it was just horrible, obviously life has to go on, but I took any support and help I could from the people that offered, I didn’t suffer alone (or quietly!)

4. People sticking their two pence worth in… I know that they are only trying to help, and in a way this list is probably skirting the line of doing the same thing but when you are exhausted, drained and feeling like death you don’t really want to hear what anyone else did to make them feel better#… chances are you have already tried it! (so apologies to anyone who thinks this list is crossing that line!)

 

The List

Things I really shouldn’t laugh at but can’t help it…

Am I alone in being unable to help myself laughing at Boo when she does something she really shouldn’t but it’s just so cute/hilarious I can’t help it!

I am sure I am going to cause myself no end of trouble in the long run!

1. When she gets a big mouthful or water and looks at me and just spits it out, sometimes it just dribbles down her chin other times it goes EVERYWHERE… the cheeky look on her face and twinkle in her eye, oh dear me.

2. When I tell her No! and she turns round and look at me and says ‘Bah!’ in a tone that tells me ‘yeah, i know i totally shouldn’t be doing this right?’

3. When she throws food off her highchair tray on the to the floor and then peers over the edge for a while, then turns to look at me and says ‘gah?’ in a ‘why is that down there?’ way

4. When I lay her down for a nappy change and she gets a a really stern look on her face, to tell me ‘I am not happy about this, so be quick about it’

5. When she raids my purse, after stealing it out of the changing bag, and sticks her whole arm in it trying to find, anything (there is no money in there sorry Boo!)

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6. When she falls over from sitting in slow motion and then gets really annoyed, (I do pick her up and comfort her, but it’s so cute to see her annoyed)

7. When she grabs her spoon and start hitting her bowl/highchair really hard… repeatedly

8. When we are out and about and she is in her carrier and she starts making happy shrieking noises, really loud, happy shrieking noises and just won’t stop.

9. When you offer her a snack or a toy and she makes a high pitched ‘Ooooohhhh!’ like she hasn’t had one of them before and she has been dying to try one for ages, ‘Ooooohhhh, don’t mind if I do….’

10. When she tips her sippy cup upside down and watched the little drops of water land on the floor/highchair table/sofa/my leg, she is amazed and so interested every time, it’s just too cute.

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Ah babies are just too adorable, and too funny!

 

The List

What’s In My Changing Bag

I thought I would write a list of all the things in my changing bag, probably the same all over the world. The kitchen sink doesn’t make this list but it might as well, I seem to keep EVERYTHING in my changing bag. No wonder it is so heavy.

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1. Nappies – obviously, I usually carry 6 or more nappies, even if I am just popping out, I am not sure why I think it’s probably impossible for Boo to require that many nappies for a 20 minute trip to the shops but you never know!

2. Wipes – Good for wiping bums, mouths, hands, changing mats, clothes, car seats that have been thrown up on.

3. Padded Changing Mat – this came with my changing bag, and I love it, it’s so handy to have, especially as sometimes the changing mats in toilets etc can be a bit grotty.

4. Sudocrem Care and Protect – not much to be said about bum cream!

5. Wet Zip Bag – ingenious, I am so glad this came with my changing bag it has saved my butt so many times.

6. Vital Baby Aquaint Sanitising Water – very handy I use this at home and have a travel size bottle for my changing bag

7. My purse – sadly my changing bag has become my handbag, I feel like enough of a bag lady without adding another bag, the only things from the my handbag that have made the cut to my changing bag are my purse and my phone.

8. My phone – see point 7.

9. Two changes of clothes for Boo – Accidents happen, and then before you have blinked twice another accident has happened!

10. 2 or 3 pairs of socks, Boo is a master at losing socks or deliberately throwing them away!

11. Boo’s Red Book – not sure why this doesn’t seem to leave my bag, but I would probably forget it every time I needed it if I didn’t leave it in there.

12. Nappy Bags

13. Tissues

14. Sippy Cup of Water

15. Snacks for Boo – usually fruit

16. Various toys to keep Boo happy, usually Sophie the giraffe plus a couple of others.

Ok so I can’t believe I have so much stuff in my changing back, there is really no wonder that it is so heavy!

The List

My 10 Best Baby Purchases

I thought I would list the most useful things I have bought/been given for Boo. There are so many thing out there, and unfortunately we have fallen victim to a few things which turned out to be pretty much a waste of money, but these things have been essential and/or well worth the money. I have also thrown in a couple of my favourite things.

1. Millions and millions of muslin clothes, they are amazing, moping up sick, spills, faces etc. I also use them on the changing mat so Boo does get a cold shock! They were a godsend in the early days of poo-explosions.

2. Lansinoh Nippple Cream – It actually works miracles, I mean honestly. I am so glad I bought it, I was a bit dubious about the price, but nope, worth every penny.

3.  Car seat Snuggle Liner – no idea what these are really called, but Boo was born in December so it was chilly! and this meant we could keep her warm in the car especially as it doubled up as a carrier.  And we didn’t have to worry about not being able to tighten the straps enough, as they go through this.

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4. ELC Sensory Ball Pit, amazing and suitable from 6 months, my only bugbear about this is that it only came with 20 balls which look a tad bit pathetic lying in the middle of ball pool, so we bought an extra 100 balls and that fits I feel.  Boo loves this and will crawl in and out of it now and she actually chooses to sit in it and play/watch tv.

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5. Vtech First Steps Walker – Boo definitely prefers this to her ‘sit-in’ walker and it was a bargain reduced to half price and when I got to the till there was another £5 off it, I love a bargain. It works well on our wooden floor as well as the large rugs we have and Boo loves to play with the detachable front too.

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6. Foam play mats – great, (and bought them when they were half price too) very useful on wooden floors when you have a baby who had just learn to sit/stand and is still very wobbley. I just like the nice bright colours too.

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7. Bright Coloured Hats – I love bright colours and there is something so cute about a baby wearing a big bright floppy sunhat, I bought my favourite from JoJo Maman BeBe and Boo wears it everywhere, I will be sad when the sunshine disappears.

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8. My recent Cherub Chews breastfeeding necklace from Burble Baby – reviewed here.

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9. Ikea Antilop High Chair – cheap, oh my so cheap and amazing, wipe clean so good, essential if you are going to enjoy the fun that is baby led weaning =)

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10. BabyBjörn Baby Carrier Active – Amazing, Boo loves this especially when it is daddy who is going to carry her in it, great for walking around when she gets bored with the pram.  Boo gets visibly excited when she can see us putting the carrier on. (I can’t believe this is one of the only pictures we have of Boo in the carrier, need to rectify this!!)

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I am sure there are lots of other things that have been really useful too, but those where the things that come to mind more or less instantly.

The List

Am I crazy for considering a 2nd HG pregnancy?

I feel like I am insane for even writing this post but I need to sort out some things in my own mind and writing them down may help me to sort them out.

I have, this last week or so, for some reason started wondering what Boo is going to miss out on by not having siblings in a typical sense.  I have also read several blog posts which feature the amazing bond between siblings and it has really struck a nerve with me.  She does have two half brothers but they live in another country and for reasons beyond our control which I do not really want to go in to Boo will not, in all likelihood, have much of a ‘sibling’ relationship with them.

I feel like there is a whole list of questions I need to answer;

1. Am I insane for even considering a second pregnancy which could mean I suffer with HG again?

2. If I do suffer with HG do I try to take medication preemptively to try to make the symptoms managable?

3. What about the about the consequences of 2. if I do take the medication? And not just consequences but guilt

4. If I chose not to take the medication how will I cope with looking after Boo and myself while suffering with this?

5. What is Boo missing out on by not having a sibling? And is this ‘worth’ suffering HG again.

6. Will Boo not be missing out on anything because she will not know any difference?

7. Will I be able to cope with 2 babies?

8. If we do decide to go ahead then when is the ‘right’ time? When Boo is more independent/older or when Boo is too young to be able to remember?

9. No, really, am I insane for even considering a second HG pregnancy?

10. I feel insane (I know that’s not a question)

 

I know there are probably a lot more questions and things to think about, but this seems like an overwhelming list as it is!

What I need to do, I think, is chat to some other ladies who have had 2 or more HG pregnancies and get their thoughts on it.

 

 

The List
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